My only brother and mom live out of state, my mom is fighting cancer, my brother expecting kid #3. I get they are too busy for me, I get most people are too busy for anyone and everyone is dealing with his/her own problems.
I just wish my dad were still alive. I wish one parent were still here to hug me, tell me I'm doing okay, tell me they are proud of me.
As it is..all I can do is ensure I am ALWAYS there for my child...always in the physical and if God forbid my time should come early, at least she could know I always cared and always loved her, no matter what.
And when I write 'no matter what,' I mean, the very worst she could be and I would still love her and be there for her... I would love her if she were in prison, strung out on drugs, binge drinking in a bar somewhere...I would go and pick her up 1000000 times in a row and still love her. I would question what -I- could do as a parent to help her find her way to happiness and question where -I- went wrong, not the other way around.
When I say I want my child to be happy, I want her to be happy within herself, even in her darkest hour, that she can still find strength from God and love from herself.
Because people probably will hurt her, because life will probably seem utterly hopeless sometimes, and because I am the one who gave her life and selfishly made her come into this crap world...so it's more than my responsibility to get her thru it safely....it's my calling, my everything.
But still as a child myself (even though I'm 33), I sure miss having a parent, who cares about me without any other motive or asking anything back. It's quite sobering to realize I must go the rest of my days on this planet alone...with only a few friends sort of there along the way. No matter how good a friend I am to someone, they still have their own family, their own struggles and problems, and I will never be loved like that true family bond.
It's okay, because it is what it is. I just wish I could go back and tell myself... I wish I could have known how lonely being lonely is, and made a different path perhaps.
But as it is, my struggles are there to make me stronger and in turn maybe help someone else. So that will be my goal for the rest of my days.... Be a good mom first. Be a good counselor to little kids second. Be a good person to those I am in contact with third.
And really, at the end of our '60ish' years on this planet.... Who cares about money, homes, furniture, cars, when you have only yourself to take with you to Heaven...only your brain and memories and life...
I will always fight to be my true color.
I will never let anyone stand in the way of my dreams.